——for 10/12, with my eternal grief and remembrance...

It needs four “S”s to turn my worst day into the best. Sunshine, Sea, Sky and Smile.

It suddenly occurred to me yesterday that 10/12 was coming, I was on the tram then, and yet I couldn’t help the waterfalls of tears coming out of my eyes. 10/12, is and always will be the one and only thing that chews me up inside. Looking outside through the square frame, I decided on the spot to get a tattoo on next 10/12.

I was in desperate need of Port Melbourne at that time. So I went, knowing that I had a rare chance of being alone there but I didn’t care. I jumped onto my regular place, hugging one of my knees in front of my face to cover the strings of tears, looking through which at the grey-blue sea.

Seven years, an awfully long time as it seems, it still hurts like fresh wound. Seven years ago, I taught myself not ever to shed a tear again by writing that on my diary, but it pains me whenever I think of that. I did not a-hundred-per-cently obeyed that, of course, but I’m ever-growingly tough towards things, which is bittersweet for many people and especially for me. <The Proposal> showed me that tough people are all tough for a reason. I found mine, and grew as strong as planned ever since. I made a rule never to forget, decided to live that out and live with that. So far I’ve been just as I wanted, except crying every year for & on this day. I still know it from my heart that he was and forever will be the single person in the world that loved me the most. It saddens me every time it comes to my mind, and brings me to tears.

I miss you, I MISS you, I miss YOU and I miss you, so much……

The best and worst part about Port Melbourne is that everybody you meet has a smile on his face. I cried hysterically by myself for a while, and ignored the smiley people walked passed me, which wasn’t something that I was usually able to do. Since it was for 10/12, I thought to myself, the hell with everything else.

On my solo journey to St Kilda, which was just a dot to me, seeming like the end of the world, I wasn’t able to control the tears, which was still streaming out of my eyes, until the mind-blowing sea wind blew them dry on my face. It is like a journey that never ends once it starts, the only way to survive that is to charge to the end. And there I was, having collected the last element to get the best of both worlds, SMILING, to myself and all by-passers, with tear stains on my face, in the middle of nowhere.

You don't ever have to worry about what I’m thinking. Good or bad, I’ll let you know what’s in my mind.  ——Randy Pausch

Trying to be nice and to kill the silence, I once told Sirin that I appreciated her Lily Allen collection, and she said to me: People either her or they don't. I smiled at that, acknowledging that it was about me as well. Yes, I am what I AM, you either, LIKE me, or you DON'T.

The new girl after Sirin is a truly amazing stunner. Wearing the same hair-style as me—which looks soooooo much better on her—and the bracelet that I wanted so badly, she went to me and said: my name is V******, and you can call me V~ At that very moment, life is wonderfully simple and simply wonderful.

“Urban Attitude” (a shop) still gives me passion and inspiration. I saw an adorable baby-bib, which says: Toothless & Ruthless, and finally hopped on a Bumblebee tram that I’ve always wanted to catch. I had some fries and didn't have to feel bad about doing so. Believe it or not, HAPPINESS just simply fell and hit me on the head.

Randy Pausch said when mentioning his wife in <the Last Lecture>, with words soaked with love and adoration: The brick walls are there for a reason. They are there to stop the people who don't want it badly enough. They are there to stop the other people.

Knowing that everyone is a brick wall for the wrong people, I made up my mind to keep myself as one of the kind. You either LIKE it, or you DON'T.

You sing me to sleep
Talk down my walls
Look through my windows as I wait
you could be the thief
I give the key to…

——Brooke Fraser 《The Thief》